This may be the most difficult post I will ever write.
And if you read this post last week you may have wondered what exactly I was alluding to.
Because there is no easy way to say it I will just start from this point- yesterday, Paul and I filed for divorce.
I may not write much about this going forward. It is deeply personal and involves two people, not just me.
I have discussed writing about this on the blog with him so he knows. You will not get details, just generalities as this is a private matter.
He and have come to terms with this the best way we know how. We both accept responsibility for the state of our marriage, we both know that neither one of us is 100% at fault. We both are trying to not blame, point fingers or try to knock the other one down.
And although the disconnect between he and I has been broadening for some time now it doesn’t change the reality that walking away from someone after ten years is no easy feat.
We have an incredible amount of good memories. He has loved me, cared for me, supported me in ways no one ever has. He was my constant companion and my best friend, which is why I think the marriage lasted longer than maybe it should have.
I wish every day it was enough. That what we had was enough. I tried to make it so. I wanted to be there for him. To support him. To encourage him. To celebrate every victory. To cry together with every heartbreak but I just couldn’t anymore.
Because I realized being with him was selfish. At this point at least.
Because he needed more than what I could give him. He needed and deserved love.
So, we have decided to divorce now. Amicably. Instead of pushing through this for a few more years, one of us (or both) resenting each other and then having a nasty, hateful divorce.
It is not easy. There are a lot of tears. There is still a bond between us that may never break. And honestly, I hope it doesn’t. I hope that in ten years from now I look back on our life together with warm memories, thankful for having someone like him in my life.
I told him (somewhat jokingly) we may have failed in our marriage but let’s try to not fail at this divorce.
We try (and at times it is extremely difficult) to be civil, calm, respectful and understanding towards each other. We know there will be, and has been, weeks , days, moments of sadness, hurt, anger, grief and that when we feel those emotions we take a beat. A break. To not talk to each other with those heated emotions, to not say things we may regret.
And that happens. Yesterday I was an ass. I yelled a lot. In a parking lot of a Publix. Like a spoiled brat.
But Paul, being the understanding person he is, let me talk it out throughout the day and we took all those feelings and thoughts and turned them into much needed discussion points.
And when our therapist canceled our appointment for last night we decided we still wanted to talk face to face. So we went out to dinner together. To talk, to laugh, to share. To try and create some good memories.
Because I want him to look back on October 28th and have something good to hold on to. October 28th will always be the day that we filed for divorce but it will also be the day we ate together at Macaroni Grill, talked about the Red Sox winning game 5 (woot woot!), and shared a lot of laughs and of course a few tears.
So, please know that this decision to divorce is not one we entered into lightly. And just as details of two people’s marriage, and how they carry them out, are their decisions alone; so it is with a divorce. We are the only two people who know what we need, what we want from this and how to handle the decisions that get us there. We are both beyond fortunate to have an amazing support system, as well as each other, to help us through this.
And we both thank you for all of your support, understanding and kindness moving forward.
Dacia (and Paul)
Taken October 28th, 2013...